What The Job Ad Says And What It Really Means

Work processing skills essential
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Salary range $24,000- $32,000
The salary is $24,000

Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women and minorities encouraged
White males need not waste the stamp to apply

Top-notch communications skills
Telemarketing

Salary negotiable
We'll take the lowest bidder

Advancement opportunity
Crappy job

Entry level
Really a crappy job

No experience necessary
The mother of all crap jobs

Administrative assistant:
Crap job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity:
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company:
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player:
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personality:
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Public relations:
Receptionist

Professional appearance important:
$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

Will train:
Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

B.A. required, master's preferred:
Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Outstanding benefits package:
Health insurance.

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.

Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

Secretary:
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary:
The most powerful position in the company

Dedicated:
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate:
We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Competitive salary:
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere:
A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere:
Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday:
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

Self-starter:
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what